Yes, it sounds strange.
How on earth can you make unhealthy fitness goals?!
But yes, it’s a fear my little overactive brain can’t shake.
I worry endlessly. That’s a given. (But yes I’m trying to get better). Anyhow, another worry I had to have, of course, was how my mental health was going to be affected in the pursuit for my physical health.
I have in the past prioritised my physical health over my mental but I’ve been really hard pressed to strike a balance.
It’s hard. It’s SO hard.
Because how can you want to have a slim, well-toned body with a good bum and nice back and well-sculpted thighs without being sucked into the belief that:
- You are currently NOT perfect?
- Perfection is a thing?
- Getting a better body is all you need right now?
That’s the word. That is the key. It seems that in no part of your life, you can get the balance. For sure, in my life, I’ve not really had that… until I came home from Argentina and strove to change.
I wanted balance. I will have balance.
I did strike a healthy balance at uni. I could split work and pleasure quite effectively. I got a good amount of work done in my 4th year without jeopardising my mental health. Actually I was flying.
By taking my life less seriously around my studies I achieved a real happiness which set me up for the future.
And experiencing the fruits of that little experiment, I now understand how important balance really is.
- I’m afraid to say I want a slim belly
- I’m afraid to strive to have good thighs as the ultimate goal
- I’m afraid to admit that I want to invest more of my time in the gym (rather than taking more time to write – a pursuit that doesn’t take into account my physique).
You see, the whole balance thing was meant to be healthy. It was a healthy alteration.
I started to get fit because I wanted to be mentally strong. Basically, I realised that leaving my body to fester, exerciseless, under my daily diet and dinners out and nights out, I wasn’t being very positive. I couldn’t be happy with my body because I knew I wasn’t doing my best to look after my body.
So I started exercising to look after my body. Knowing I was doing something for it kept me sane. But as I got better, I decided I’d set myself some goals. I suddenly knew I was able.
I could run.
I had the willpower to push through weight training.
I loved the feeling of being able to do something. I loved the fact that my body was changing.
I stacked running a 10k to my list.
And this is where I am now.
I’m training for my 10k and I know that I can do it. I’m pushing for a personal best but alongside I’ve started a 3 day fitness regime of weight training.
I’ve been doing it 4 weeks and now I can seen the difference. More definition on my legs. Tighter skin around my stomach. Strong glutes.
So what is my goal now?
I’d love to get abs and to have further leg and arm definition. This is what I want but I fear it’s too shallow. But perhaps small pipedreams are the things that keep you trying because I know that if I don’t have this motivation I WILL give up.
So perhaps yeah I’ll submit to these goals. Because truly they’re what I want. It’s good motivation to keep going.
But the most important thing is that I’m aware of the balance. I still write a lot and I try not to get too caught up on comparing myself to others. But at the same time I look at them as inspiration. Not because I want to be like them but because it demonstrates how much I can improve. It shows me where my body could go.
This post has been cathartic, encouraging for me. Because whilst I thought I was unhealthy, my thinking is actually rather aware. And I think I’ve realised that
My goals will change.
I will not always be stuck wanting this for my body or that. I’m not ‘stuck’. I’m striving. And that’s what I want for me in this moment.
So I’ll continue to be strong in my mind and set myself these goals. Not out of compulsion or inadequacy.
I am not my goals. But I will get there.